Car full of mates driving along
the road Tuesday afternoon
and seeing a random man
wi his messages walking as if he
owned the street. Seriously,
one could hardly just drive by

as if this was Sleepy Hollow; No,
one would mount the pavement
confirming, Yous aa tooled up?,
the packing status was ‘Situation
Green’, screech to a halt, leap out

entertaining the nearby shoppers
with an unprovoked Friday night
style attack on the said man with
various sporting implements and,
this being Glasgow, a chib; which
was naturally in one’s waistband.

The victim called for handers but
none responded except a local
Rottweiler who got confused as to
who was what and joined in the attack.

Police came later with a nice visit
to hospital and ignoring traditions,
and despite assurances from the
victim that he hadn’t planned
anything other than to nip in
for a pint on the way hame, reached
the brilliant Sherlockian conclusion that:

The clubbed and stabbed man may have been the victim of a planned assault.

A similar conclusion reached by
his ‘ither hauf’, who suspicious
of the delay wi the messages
(there no bein a biscuit
in the hoose and her waiting
on the same) was not sympathetic

to him having a face that had
been used as a fitba (scaring wee
Sammie into hiding in the corner!)
and that he was feeling like
a Neerday hangover.

Everytime ye go oot something like this happens.
I’m beginning to think you plan it.